


Water, Guns, and Excited Goth Dumplings

by DreamingInSilence



Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon), Tangled (2010)
Genre: Crackfic?, Gen, Varian Has Issues (Disney), everyone needs help, ooc Everyone is ooc, small war, this is what happens when I’m just sitting down and having fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-02-23 04:50:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23906047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingInSilence/pseuds/DreamingInSilence
Summary: There was war.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 26





	Water, Guns, and Excited Goth Dumplings

**Author's Note:**

> Ok.  
> I was told that I should make a crackfic, but when I looked up how crackfics are supposed to go all I got was, “Don’t ask this question, just get drunk or smoke crack.”  
> So I thought, “Eh, sleep deprived is just as effective.” And here we are.
> 
> Please note that I do not call Zhan Tiri by her name. She is many other things.
> 
> This is not to be taken seriously because this is just me trying to be funny, and I will applaud whoever can get all the references I put in this.

The whole gang had stayed at the tower after they had rescued Varian, hoping to get the moonstone from Cassandra when she was at her weakest.

Lance turned to see some big glowing portal thing.  
“Wat da hek is that??”

“Finally. The clash of the sun and moon has feed me from my prison.”  
Everyone stared at this Goth Gremlin thing who’s looking like she’s dreaming about murder.  
Everything was frozen until the massively oversized eyes of this Little Troll widened with delight.  
“I’ve been a spirit for so long. Trapped for thousands of years. And now... Just feel the grass, the dirt, just like I’d dreamed they’d be!”  
Everyone stared as she started singing and rolling on the ground.  
“Just feel that evening wind the way it’s calling meee! For like the first time since I foolishlyletmyselfgetsuckedintoaportalbecauseIthoughtIcouldtakeonDemanituswithaboomerang, I’m completely freeeeee!”  
She splashed everyone with water when she jumped in the lake because apparently she can make very big waves.

“Aw come on!!” Eugene whined,  
“My hair was perfect even after some massive battle on the rooftop, and now ya got it wet! My good looks will never survive in this flawed, imperfect world!”

“If only, Fitzergert, if only!” Cass yelled.

The Charcoal Colour Paletted Girl stopped the joyous splashes of someone who may or may not need to let out their pent up emotions a bit, and slowly turned her head towards the suffering man.  
“I love people suffering!”

Raps tried to wring out 70 feet of impossible to wring out, or clean.  
“This suffering man is mine so keep your hands off him you creep!”

“How ‘bout I do anyway?” Demon Dumpling sang back.  
“I’ve got a dream! I’ve got a dream! I just want to hear most everybody scream! Now that I have my power, I want everyone to cower! Cause way down deep inside I want the screams!”

“Ok, anyone else weirded out by this?” Angry asked. The show of hands was unanimous after Cass veeeery slowly lifted her hand.  
“Well, we have seen weirder!” Raps cheerfully pointed out.  
“Ya!” Says Varian just as brightly.  
“Do that thing where you split yourself in half before you twist your head around 180 degrees!”  
“Wait what?”

“MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!”  
Shouts the Insane Little Monster.  
“If water provides you with suffering I’ll use it!” Water started shooting around and splashing everyone around.  
“She’s a waterbender!” Red shouted as she dodged the spray.  
“No, I’m a warlock! A demon! I’m supposed to have powers! I was a freakin’ blizzard for crying out loud! Why would I only just get powers when I get the moonstone and Sundrop?” The Originally Non Power Using Power Wielder shouted out.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSPPPPP”  
A long breathy gasp caught their attention. Varian was standing there with his mouth open wider than should be possible, unless they accounted for the Dark Weasel over there.  
“You were the blizzard! That is it!” He pulls out five water guns from his hammerspace and handed them to everyone, except Cass and the Bunned Menace, before he pulls out a water bazooka for himself.

“V what the heck??” Angry stares at the gun. Varian pulls his goggles over his eyes which were lit with fury, and with a chi-CHUNK of his bazooka he says,  
“Imma ‘bout to end this Goats whole career.”

“Oh im in on dis!” Lance starts shooting with bazooka boy, before everyone suddenly gets in on this action. 

Cass stands to the side watching dumbly as the war of the ages takes place before her, and somehow she doesn’t have the right weapon? Come on Varian I know you have more somewhere!  
The Little Horror was sending streaks of water one by one at each of the opposing figures. Some rising high, some low, some feigning right but going left, all hoping to drown miserable souls.  
Team Rapunzel was dodging and rolling behind trees and rocks. Launching high pressured blasts of water at the Dark Dwarf as much as they could.

“THIS IS SOOO MUUCH FUUUNN!!!” Rapunzel screamed to the sky.  
That was before a streak of water shot Lance straight in the stomach. Everything was in slow motion as he flew back, Eugene cried out after him. Lance dropped his gun, to which Varian cried out after.  
“NOOOOOOOOO!!!!” They both yelled out before Lance lay motionless and soaked in the mud. Eugene ran to him and kneeled beside him.  
“Lance, are you going to be ok?”  
“No, no I don’t think I’m gunna make it. Just leave me some ammo, a little water... Some chips if you have em.” Lance managed to grunt out.  
Eugene sobbed and the Soaked Snake let out a laugh of triumph at the suffering.  
“Oh Rapunzel!” Eugene weeped, “He was my oldest friend! At least I still have you!”

Cass had snuck behind the scene of heartfelt emotions to grab Lances dropped gun.  
“Aha Fitzerberhert! I have taken advantage of your weakness! And now, I have the means to win!!”  
Suddenly all guns and bazooka were aimed towards her.  
“I’m in danger.” Cass chuckled, “Hey Blueberry?”

Said Blueberry looked upon her with a raised eyebrow.  
“I would offer you help, but seemings how I’m only waiting around to kill you, I do not think you would accept.”  
“That does put a damper on our relationship.” Replied Cass before she was overtaken by the sheer magnitude of water that shot at her all at once. She flew back before being knocked against one of her black rocks, and passing out like Lance somehow did.

Rapunzel whirled around towards the Manipulating Thing. Fear turned to anger, to hate, to suffering.  
“You turned her against me!”  
“You have done that yourself!”  
“YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER FROM ME!”

The fury of battle picked up once again. Varian, Angry, and Red hid behind a large rock, shooting at the Face Stretcher while trying to think of a plan. Angry sighed,  
“I wish you had like, real guns with you V! Or at least real weapons cause we are facing a literal demon here!”  
“Knowing me, that would require this to be rated M for Mature.” V replied in a deep, intimidating voice. His still goggled eyes looked soulless and without fear of man or beast.

Raps and Eugene were behind them suddenly.  
“What do we do now?” Eugene asked frustratedly.  
“Isn’t Rapunzels hair the answer to everything?” Red asked. They all looked at the 70 feet o mud that trailed off of Rapunzel.  
“That’s it!” Rapunzel cried suddenly.  
“What?” Everyone shouted back.

Guitar music started playing out of nowhere before Rapunzel started to sing.  
“I’ve got the wind in my hair and a fury within cause this battle is ending. I’ve got a demon to beat and excitement to spare!” The wind was picking up fast, and the Stuff Of Nightmares was confused.  
“That beautiful breeze blowing through. I’m ready to follow it o-ver there, but I’ll beat you I swear! CAUSE THERE’S MUD IN MY HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRR!!!!!!!”

As she sang the last line the wind picked up so strongly that it got even her mud covered hair to fly forward and smack Darth Baby down. Everyone rushed forward at once, Guns firing as hard as they could go. The Little Girl Who Could Be An Alien was struggling against the weight of the hair and the sheer flood of water against her.

“Let the little gremlin drown! DROWN!!” Varian chuckled as he spoke with a deep, and dark voice that was a far cry from his usual sound.  
Eugene grabbed the Prickly Pillock while Raps wraps her hair around the Little Freak.  
“Ha HA! Gotcha!” Raps yells out as the Bad Guy shouts and curses to the sky. “...Now what?”  
Varians eyes flash as he pulls out-  
“ANYONE but Varian answer that!”  
Varian slowly puts it away...

“I’ll take care of that.” Cass suddenly was up and about, curling a cage of rocks around the Sniveling Snollygoster.

“Cass! You came back! And you’re ok!” Raps exclaimed.  
“Tis but a flesh wound. And I didn’t come for you.” Cass replies shortly.  
“Then why are you helping us with this?” Eugene asks while gesturing to the This in a cage.  
“Isn’t it obvious Fizterbraht? I did what I did because if I didn’t do it, it would’ve got done. And I might add that not doing it would have been a lot worse than doing it badly, which I was not about to do.”  
“What?” Angry and Red say at the same time.

“Anyway.” Cass continued. “You guys figure out how to put That Thing back where it came from, or so help me I will let it out just to spite you!”  
“My name is Zhan Tiri you know! And I will end every one of you! I am a demon you pathetic mortals, and I will not be bullied by-” Cass shuts her up by using the rocks to throw the cage around a bit.  
“Puny demon.”  
“No, she is an Ancient Toddler” Pipes up Lance from the back, for he was also ok now.

“What are you doing now Cass?” Raps asks her friend anxiously.  
“I will be finding my destiny again! No matter how many times it changes!”  
“Ok.”

“I don’t mean to interrupt guys, but I think we need to calm down the alchemist...” Lance says.  
Said alchemist looked as though he was a soldier who had stared into the depths of the abyss and lived through its darkness. He turns slowly to the group before saying,  
“It is done.”

“Yeeeess... We’ll get right to that...” Rapunzel sighs.

And so...  
Ya I’m not going to summarize this. Just assume they went and lived their lives.

**Author's Note:**

> I have the feeling that this was a bad idea but at the same time I don’t actually care!  
> I’ll have you know that the comments from the last fic I made got me so excited that I almost fell down the stairs.  
> That was a great adrenaline rush that I really needed, so thank you guys! 😂  
> I could do with another adrenaline rush!


End file.
